An Idiot, A Smartass, And A Baby
by Elegy of Ghosts
Summary: Zexion never thought it would have come to this. It should have NEVER come to this. Yet, lo and behold, Zexion is now caring for a baby. And everyone wants to help. Zemyx, AkuRoku, other pairings. Read and Review!
1. What's new? A baby, that's what

Judiro: I was bored.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. I hate saying this.

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_DING DONG!_

A slate haired boy rolled over, woken from the sudden noise. He slowly blinked his eyes to adjust to the darkness. The digital clock next to his bedside read 4:30 in the damn morning.

Zexion was most certainly _not_ a morning person, or a happy camper at this point, but he kept that calm, collected, and bored attitude he always had. The man got out from under his warm and thick black blankets and stalked over to the closet to put on his grey robe.

Zexion always took a liking to dark colors.

_DING DONG!_

_DING DONG!_

"All right, I'm coming!! Just hold your damn horses!" Zexion yelled back.

He opened his bedroom door and proceeded down the small hallway, took a left turn into the living room, walked past the kitchen on his right and toward the front door.

Without bothering to peak through the eyehole, he undid the small chain latched on and turned the knob.

Zexion swung the door open, ready to death glare at the one whom had woken him from the sweet security of sleep, when he found nothing.

There was nothing in front of him, except small amounts of dim rays that were slowly rising over the horizon. A dawn of a new day was beginning.

Then he suddenly heard a baby crying, and he looked down with his violet eyes. There, lying in a wicker basket and covered with a baby blue blanket, was an actual baby and a note.

"God… please don't tell me…" Zexion muttered as he bent down for the note. It read, "_Please take good care of our beloved baby, Alexander. We have become bankrupt at our jobs, and we are deep in debt with financial problems. Thank you so much for understanding._"

There was no signature what-so-ever, yet the handwriting was neat and slanted, and it resembled that of a woman's.

Zexion sighed and turned his gaze down toward 'Alexander'.

The slate haired man pinched the bridge of his nose, not wanting to do this, but he knew full well that he had to.

"Those cheeky bastards…" was all he muttered before picking up the basket with Alexander inside and walking back into the house.

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Zexion walked over to the couch and set the basket down onto the coffee table. Zexion was no parent. Hell, he wasn't even 24 yet!! He just recently started to live on his own. Luckily, the slate haired man knew a few people. He quickly raced over to the phone and dialed a familiar number.

It rang once.

Twice.

Thri-

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!"

Never mind.

"Good morning to you too, Roxas," Zexion replied casually.

"Zexion?! What the hell are you doing calling me at…. 4:39 in the morning?!" Roxas was practically screaming by now.

Zexion wasn't fazed at all and continued calmly. "Someone left me a baby on my doorstep and ran off. Now I'm stuck having to become a parent without knowing why they even gave him to me!"

There was silence on the other line. Roxas spoke up after taking in all of the information. "Zeixon, I'll be over at your place soon. Then we can figure out what we can do. Besides…" there was another long pause, but Zexion was sure he could hear a voice in the background. "… Axel's getting pissed at me for screaming at 5:00 in the morning."

They said their farewells, hung up the phone, and Zexion turned his gaze back to Alexander. As if it was his cue, the small baby started crying. "Good Lord…" Zexion walked over to the table and scooped up Alexander into his arms.

"What to do, what to do…. Think, Zexion, think!!" he muttered. Zexion began to rock the cradled child in his arms. After a few moments, Zexion did the one thing he never really did around anyone else. He began to sing to the child quietly.

"_We're walking in the air. Floating in the sky. We're floating in the air._

_We're walking in the air. We're floating in the moonlit sky. The people far below are sleeping as we fly._

_We're holding very tight, and riding in the midnight blue, and finding I can try so high above with you._"

Zexion's voice was very melodic when he sang. Of course, Zexion thoroughly believed that his "singing" voice was crap.

"_All across the world the villages go by like dreams, the rivers and the hills the forests and the streams. _

_Children gaze open mouthed taken by surprise. Nobody down below believes their eyes._

_We're surfing in the air. We're swimming in the frozen sky. We're drifting over icy mountains floating by._"

The baby was beginning to fall fast asleep.

"_Suddenly, swooping low on an ocean deep, rising up a mighty monster from his sleep. We're walking in the air._

_We're dancing in the midnight sky, and everyone who sees greets us as we fly._"

Zexion's plan had worked, and little Alexander had fallen asleep, warm and safe in Zexion's arms.

_How cheesy_, he thought. _I'm certainly a very horrible singer and no parent. Sheesh….._

Zexion just sat down onto his black leather couch and waited for Roxas to show up. There was a soft knock on the door a few minutes later. Zexion stood up and walked around the couch to open the door.

The first thing that happened was that Roxas said "Awww", then Zexion shot him a chilling glare, then the blonde shut up and entered Zexion's abode.

"I see that you're taking very good care of him," Roxas stated as he kicked off his shoes. "I wish I had your parenting skills."

Zexion looked a little confused. "But Roxas, you don't have kids."

The blonde rolled his eyes at this. "Yeah, but Demyx and Axel are enough to _be_ kids."

Zexion rolled his eyes as well with a slight scowl. "I really do hope that they don't show up. You didn't tell Axel, did you?"

Roxas just shook his head no. "No, I just told him that you needed a small favor and ushered him off to bed. He began to question as to why this is, but he eventually shut up and fell asleep."

Zexion sighed heavily. "I don't even have a partner to help me with the kid."

Then there was a cheery knock at the door. Roxas and Zexion just stared at it in wonder, but Zeixon just stood up and walked over to the door before the unknown person did something stupid, like ring the doorbell.

Zexion opened the door, and there, standing fully dressed with a bright smile on his face, was Demyx. _Fate loves to prove me wrong…_ he thought.

"Demyx, what do you want?" Zexion asked a little tense at what Demyx might do.

And Fate does love to prove him right at moments like these. "Hey Zex, I was just wondering OMIFRICKINGODNOWAIZEXYHADABABY!!"

Off in the distance, a man could be heard shouting, "Shut the hell up Demyx! We're trying to sleep!"

"Demyx! Shut the hell up and get in here!" Zexion hissed quietly as the baby started to cry again.

Demyx did as ordered with that _freakishly_ happy smile. That's just _way_ too inhumane to do at this time of day.

Roxas glared at said person for waking up Alexander.

"So, when were you ever pregnant Zexy?!" Demyx asked in his usual hyper, loud voice.

"Demyx!" Roxas and Zexion hissed at the same time. Demyx just smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

Zexion just glared. "Don't be sorry, be quiet."

"Sorry!" Demyx said, backing up a bit with his hands up, his voice a little louder than last time.

Zexion just shook his head. "Roxas, what are we going to do?"

Demyx was about to scream with joy, but cold eyes stopped him. "Umm, maybe we could raise him!!" Suggested the sitarist quietly.

Roxas also made a suggestion. "We could always give him to a foster home, raise him like Demyx suggested, or we could raise him."

Zexion thought it over. Axel. With a baby and his pyromanic ways. Very, _very_ bad! Child with foster parents. Possibility, but doesn't want to give him to bad people. Him with a baby and Demyx's cheery disposition. Possibility with great chaos ensuing.

"I guess we have no choice…. We have to raise him." Zexion concluded.

"WOOOHOO!! I'M A PARENT!!" Demyx screamed with joy.

"Demy! Shut the _hell _up!!" came shouts from outside.

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Judiro: Sooo…. That concludes the first chapter of this awkward story!! Randomness will ensue with Zexion as a parent and Demyx's claim to be one!! Stay tuned for the following chapters!!

Please **read** this **and REVIEW**!!

Thank you so much!!

Muffins and gay love for all!


	2. Road Rage

Judiro: Wow. Just, wow. I leave this new story up for a few hours, and when I come back I get _14_ different e-mails saying that people have added it to their Favs, Story Alert, or left a Review. This story and I feel so loved. :'D

Disclaimer: Judiro, author of this Zemyx story, does not own Kingdom Hearts or any other aforementioned material that is in the story in any form of way or right. The only thing he has is a copy of the awesome things, but still has no rights over them.

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Zexion rolled his eyes over at the only person he knew could pull off a combination of a mullet and a Mohawk. Demyx was too busy doing a cute dance of sorts, but the violet eyed man turned his attention back to Roxas.

"So how should this be arranged?" Zexion inquired. Roxas tapped his chin in thought while he stared at the floor.

Roxas' gaze came back upon Zexion with an answer in his eyes. "Well, after you adopt Alexander, I could watch him while you're at work."

"How is that supposed to work out if you have a same work day as me?" Zexion asked.

Demyx came running over to the baby and tried to put his arms around it, like he was protecting it, but Zexion batted the blonde's hands away. The _last_ thing he wanted was for Alexander to be dropped on his head. "No, Roxas shouldn't do it!!"

Said blonde was offended and glared at Demyx, but the sitarist kept on talking. "I am now his other father!! I should be the one to take care of him!! I want to be the distressed housewife!!"

Zexion glared at Demyx. "Demyx, we aren't even _married_! How the hell are you supposed to be his father?" And if _anyone_ was to be the distressed housewife, it would certainly be Zexion. He already had a part of being quiet and angsty sometimes. Not to mention he had an extremely _large_ vocabulary.

"Demyx, just wait until I can sort this whole ordeal out. I need time to plan and think," Zexion looked at the small child sleeping in front of them. He was so small and innocent. So vulnerable yet so cute.

Demyx was almost _everywhere_ he looked, wasn't he?! Zexion sighed heavily as silence filled the room. It was obvious that no one wanted to disturb the baby.

That is, until a rather loud knock came from the door. "Roxas!! I need help!! The kitchen's on fire!! Again!!"

Roxas dropped his head into his hands. "My god, I'm away for a few damn minutes…" The blonde stood and rushed over to the door and quickly slipped on his shoes. "If you need any help, just remember that we're here!" was all that Roxas said before rushing outside and back to his apartment with Axel.

_If that isn't more Axel in one day for the kid, I'm afraid to ask what would happen if Roxas left for an entire week…_ Zexion mused.

He thought of Roxas coming home to a burnt down home with Axel still trying to figure out how an extinguisher works, all the while had refused calling 911 because he wanted to 'do it himself'.

The slate haired man chuckled to himself.

"Whatcha laughin at?" Demyx asked, bending over the couch to look at his boyfriend with a huge smile.

"How much work this is going to be for us and how we might need diapers ourselves once this is all over and done with," replied Zexion.

Demyx just blinked. Twice. Then he dismissed it and resumed watching Alexander sleep with Zexion.

Everything was so peaceful, save for Roxas' rather loud cussing a few doors down.

_The next day_

It was 7:30 in the morning, and Demyx was already sugar high. Zexion has yet to ward off the headache that has already formed throughout his cranium.

"Yay!! Today we get to adopt!! Yay!!" The sitarist was just _drowning_ in delight, while Zexion only hoped to get this over with and out of the way. The two men were already making their way to the convertible, but people were still shouting at Demyx for not shutting up. Go Team Spirit.

An elderly woman was on her porch sitting snugly in her rocker. She was also holding a shot gun.

Yeah, rough neighborhood ever since Demyx moved in.

Zexion was used to the weapon revealing. Hopefully little Alex would be just like them one day. What great role models they were.

Zexion rolled his eyes at the thought. The two men and the baby were in the car within a matter of minutes. As soon as they were able to get out of the drive way and onto the road, all was silent except for the humming of the car.

A beautiful sun was shining down onto the world; people were out and about, everything was normal.

As much as I wish I could say that, I can't. Whenever you get Demyx in your car, everything is anything _but_ normal.

The sitarist had the _nerve_ to actually count off the number of people and cars went by as he turned the radio to its loudest which caused the baby to cry which caused Zexion to cuss out loudly and make very cold and sinister threats, which caused Demyx to try to turn it off, but it failed, which caused Zexion to rip it from its socket and toss it out the window. Demyx then pouted, Zexion cussed out anyone and 

everyone, which in turn gave him road rage, making him no longer that polite driver. Demyx was trying to shut Alexander up, but that failed as he scared the child with his "funny faces".

Upon the entire racket, there were lots of horns beeping, people giving and being flipped the bird, babies crying, traffic backing up.

Zexion swore that he would stuff and gag Demyx next time they went anywhere with a baby on a highway.

_Some time later…._

It's been a few hours, and now Zexion was _finally_ driving into the main part of town to go to the adoption agency.

Demyx, whom was causing commotion within the car, had been complaining about how Alex wouldn't "shut up."

This was utter chaos, and Zexion was beginning to doubt that Demyx would make a good father.

Or husband, for that matter.

The convertible parked within a good space between a humdinger and a minivan. Zexion just sat there for a few minutes as he turned the ignition off and stared, well, more like glared, at the blonde beside him.

"Will you _promise_ to behave?" Zexion asked in a rather threatening tone.

Demyx just stared back, but took Zexion's tone quite serious. He nodded his head rather quickly. "Yeah, I promise to be good!!"

Zexion sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dem, the last time you said that, something bad happened _really_ quickly. Remember the incident in PETSMART?"

Demyx shuddered at the memory.

_OMG. Flashback!!_

_A slate haired man stood there, watching as the chaos unfolded before him._

_It was supposed to be a simple task: Get a new pet of Demyx's choice and leave. How hard did that sound?_

_Well, if _you_ knew the crazy sitarist, then you would've known that you should _never_ leave Demyx alone for a while after he drinks caffeinated coffee._

_Birds were flying amongst the ceiling, cats and dogs were fighting and chasing one another, fish were out of their broken tanks and were flopping on the ground, small rodents were scurrying about, and people were running around screaming._

_Yeeeesss, all was not well in the kingdom, so Zexion just left Demyx in the store so he wouldn't have to pay charges._

_Regardless, Zexion wasn't able to avoid their grasp and he went to court with Demyx._

_End Flashback_

"I do _not_, repeat _**do not**_ want another episode like that _again_ understood?" Zexion threatened, pointing a finger at the blonde beside him.

Demyx just sat there and had his hands up as a signal of peace. "Whoa! I don't do that anymore since you switched me to de-cafe!!"

Zexion glared for another moment, but finally unlocked the doors and stepped out into the parking lot, walking over to the back door and opening it so he could remove little Alex. Demyx just stood up and stretched.

"Well, I promise to behave this time Zexion. I won't do anything dras-" The blonde stopped midsentence before squealing like a school girl. "OMG!! Look!! It's those machines that go up and down at the super market!!"

Zexion didn't have time to look at what Demyx was pointing to, as the blonde was sprinting toward another building. The slate haired man looked at what Demyx was running to, and paled. It was those little kid rides with that made small motions after you inserted the quarter.

Oh hell…..

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Judiro: Sorry for the late update. School is forcing me to get all the starting supplies and what not. .;; I know it's short, but at least it's updated!! I think….

Please read and review!!

Much gay love to all with Demyx plushies!!


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